Successfully Losing

Life happens. One moment we are on top of the world, and the next moment the world shifts beneath us and we find ourselves wishing the earth would swallow us up.

The more experiences I gain, the more I realize that true failure lies with the inability to recover when life throws you a curve ball. It is seldom what happens, but rather how you react to it that will define how that experience will shape your future.

There is a web of complicated social cues that influences the outcome of an awkward moment or a perceived failure by an ever watchful audience. A good starting point is not losing control of your reaction. It might be the only thing that you can control and will play a key role in providing a platform that will allow you to influence other people’s responses.

Take a breath; don't react suddenly, but calmly and without hesitation and redirect the focus of the audience away from you. The worst atmosphere is one of uncertainty, where each individual is forced to decide for themself how to proceed.

How can I practically take back some control? Here are some pointers:

• Acknowledge the incident, play it down as unimportant and change focus by asking a question to a specific person that will guide the conversation back to the previous topic. This strategy requires them to respond and breaks the immediate tension.
• As with the first point, acknowledge the incident, but blow it humorously and completely out of proportion, before changing the focus away from you. This makes the actual event seem much less intimidating.

This boils down to experience, confidence and redirection, all of which can be learned and developed over time. People seem to think that some people are born with social super powers, but really all it takes is dedication to change and the will to improve ourselves.

In the end these potentially unpleasant experiences are part of life and they carve on our character. We only seem to reach the pinnacle of potential for change in the face of our darkest moments.

Lastly, don't linger on past mistakes (once you have learned from the experience). It should serve only one purpose and that is to guide us into a better future.

Shadow Falls

"Shadow falls is the technique of finding the area of enlightenment in each story, not passing up opportunity because you find inconsistencies."

We are continuously exposed to stories. Origins stretch from a wide variety of areas such as culture, movies, series and many from religion. Most of the time we feel obligated to come to a single conclusion in regards to agreeing or disagreeing and in case of disagreement we tend to discard it all.

Poking holes into a story is easy, most things in life are flawed. If we look closely at even the most beautiful things we will start to notice imperfections. Shadow falls challenges us to go against our nature and look past these within each story and rather focus on the pockets of valuable truth. Taking a step back, firstly appreciating the opportunity to see and discover through someone else (a completely different being) and mentally pivoting around the information shared, to learn as much as the opportunity presents.

There is much to learn from seemingly insignificant facts, do not close yourself to experience life only through your eyes. Try to experience the story from the story teller’s perspective.

1. Try to find an angle or context where intent of the story (the intended learning) can resonate with your views. Sometimes it might just be an edge case far from the norm.
2. Search for different forks in the story, play in your mind different paths the story could have taken if different choices or incidents occurred. We can learn as much from what didn't happen as what did.
3. Learn to engage with the story teller (or audience). Pull them into a deeper conversation by playing the devil’s advocate, even if you are in agreement. This will aid your understanding as how people get to their conclusions can bring forward hidden depth into the topic at hand. Be mindful of your body language and learn to hide your emotions.

Only directly oppose (different to discussing opposite views) story teller if you have responsibility over people listening and you don't want them to be confused. If you have strong convictions and you know the other party is not open to another opinion do not force yours. If you have a strong conviction there is no need to prove it to others. In contradiction to your feelings if you are able to humour the situation you could potentially gain a deeper understanding when the opposition is not guarded or feeling cornered.

Divorce - My resolve

My life and strength are slowly returning. That stolen will not be allowed destroy that what remain.

A new breath, a new beginning, my character molded under pressure. My life story forced to change in mid chapter.

Key lessons learned, their essence burned into my soul. My eyes opened to humanity's raw and uncompassionate nature. Not to love recklessly but selectively, my heart hardened from the harsh circumstances and the sudden need to defend against its own. My life open for all to judge my story reduced to a sad statistic, my accomplishments swept away by cold forceful actions of another.

In this and from the acknowledgement of my flawed and failed self I find some comfort in my innocence of this crime.

I felt happiness, I experienced joy, I know burning anger, I know deep pain, I know disappointment... I knew love. Be that what it may, I will survive.

I am tainted, marked for life with a public scar that stands against everything I believe in. But with this I also discovered inner strength I didn’t know I possess as well as my misplaced roots in Him.

No longer excuses, I will live life as I see fit and to its fullest! No more self-sacrifice only limited compromise to precious few I choose to accommodate. My choices define me, not the cards that I have been dealt.

This is a flag in the ground, a bone rattling echo of a life placed on hold snapping back into motion. This with a soothing feeling that the unknown future holds a promise of healing and self-discovery gives me new hope and the strength to continue.

For those walking with me, please find a gesture of appreciation for the received support and a promise of a valuable friendship. I will not forget this, I will remember it all.

Nun Lies - The art of misdirection

This technique is to guide someone or a group of people to a conclusion that is not the full truth and doing so without lying. This can be done by withholding information and/or presenting selective facts in a suggestive manner.

Obviously this can easily be abused so it should be applied only if specific criteria are met this is if you want to keep your integrity and reputation intact. All of which you cannot do if you try to mislead other people for personal gain or conceal your own mistakes.

So what is this technique good for then? Surprise occasions, sensitive information where partial understanding or bias viewpoints can cause more damage from a holistic point of view.

Some points for consideration:

• Learn to keep confidential information; do not offer up sensitive information without having a good reason to.
• Don’t plot up elaborate scenario. Keep the breadcrumbs basic, the more complex the less believable and more difficult to sustain over time.
• Do not use Nun Lies on serious topics. If the potential disclosure of the Nun Lie is foreseen to be difficult to recover from rather reconsider being completely transparent.
• If a Nun Lie is exposed do not try to cover up anything, if applied correctly you should be able to recover by telling the whole truth. Continuing deception at that point can seriously damage relationships.
• Redirection is a powerful tool; learn to shift the focus or the direction of a topic without raising alarms.
• Ensure that the breadcrumbs lead to a clear insinuating conclusion. You don’t want people asking for clarity or details at the end of the trail.

E.g. you are organizing an elaborate secret valentines evening for both you and your partner and he/she is now inquiring whether you have made plans for valentines.

Response: "We had a big dinner last valentine, how do you feel about a quite relaxed dinner at home? You don't need to do anything I will prepare everything. [Pause/waiting for response] Talking about dinner, what should we bring to this weekend’s dinner with your parents?"

Breakdown: This provides breadcrumbs based on facts, strong insinuation using a question as a statement, moves the conversation along over the intended conclusion and ultimately redirecting the conversation to another topic to minimize the exposure on the topic at hand. In essence you never said you haven’t made special plans and the facts surrounding the illusion are all true. This is a basic example, but with exercise application could allow you to function in an imperfect world without compromising your integrity.

Stemming from this concept is the “Stairs to nowhere approach”. This portrays an antagonistic concept where people use unrelated facts as premises to draw inaccurate conclusions. This approach is frequently used by politicians and proponent figures to add the illusion of a more believable cause without providing any relevant facts as support. Do not be lead to conclusions; draw your own based on the facts at hand.

E.g. many politicians use their opposition’s mistakes as reasons to sway voters. Without a proper strategy that suggests a different outcome, these claims are worthless as premises to their own capabilities. 

 

Fear of Fears

This is a self-administered fear of being constrained by our fears. The idea of our fears suppressing us from reaching our full potential and life experience should invoke an even greater fear, the fear of fears.

Does this mean we need to embrace a never-say-no-philosophy? Although extremes can be useful to prove points they are seldom effective in real world application. This brings us to the next crucial aspect; know the difference between the fear of the unknown and hesitation based on valid concerns. This is the fear we need to face, we need to be empowered by our experiences, not be kept back from the lack of previous experience when an opportunity presents itself.

Be honest with yourself and face your fears aggressively, as you would an enemy. We have to live with ourselves our whole existence so the person you should strive to disappoint the least is yourself. Make a decision, yes or no and do not doubt yourself once it is made, the biggest failure is indecisiveness or the lack of resolve to commit to a decision (This points to the commitment to a choice not an inability to admit to failures).

Creeping Cluster - Approach to overwhelming challenge or task.

It is human nature to fear that which we don't know and to hesitate in the wake of an overwhelming undertaking. I have found that by methodically increasing our knowledge and coverage we are able to surpass our own expectations.

"How do you eat an elephant? …Bite for bite."

Incremental attempts however in is not enough, we need to channel our efforts to get the best results with the resources available and within the constraint set (Time, money, etc.).

Some steps to consider:

• What do I know? Any pockets of knowledge or experience on the topic at hand could provide some context to which one can expand knowledge to form clusters.
• What do we need to know now? You will need to identify key areas in which you are lacking knowledge or progress and wedge an anchor point (A key fact or understanding) into the larger unknown. Use these anchor points and expand them into clusters by deepening your insight on them and the context in which they exist in your challenge/task. Prioritization of clusters and identification of new anchors must be done at regular intervals to ensure focus is on the right areas and that one cluster does not block overall progress (if this happens, consider breaking cluster up into smaller units).

How do we progress into the unknown? 

Grow clusters individually and search for ways to bridge them at which point they will merge and form a bigger network of integrated knowledge. Keep in mind that these units might have multiple overlapping areas and by identifying one could lead to a series of discoveries.

The purpose of this approach is not specifically to guide you to the end but rather to facilitate the discovery phase by gathering knowledge and understanding that will in turn enable you to determine feasibility and equip you to be able to plan its execution. Another thing to keep in mind is that although you will need to get your hands dirty the focus is not on the deliverables yet but rather on gaining structured knowledge and context into the unknown. That being said this might be something you use completely hidden from other stakeholders as mechanism to structure your own efforts without them even knowing about it.

E.g. you employer gives you a promotion to become a manager based on your good performance as an excellent 3d artist. The task requires immediate involvement so the learning curve is in motion and pressure is intensified as the lack of knowledge can backfire at any point. As you take the position you regularly identify areas that you need to understand which is critical and search for a core fact to build your experience and research around. Some of these might include:

• I need to know how to do the finances for projects (Cluster), but more specifically I need to do time effort  quote now (Anchor) so will focus on understanding this first.
• I need to ensure the team functions at full potential (Cluster), for now I just need to be able to quantify individual progress (Anchor).
• I was a 3D artist so I understand the technical details of the projects I will use this knowledge to understand relating projects problems better and address them.

At some point these clusters of knowledge will start to merge into one managing style and the looming uncertainty of the new job requirements will have passed.

In other words, this approach facilitates the process of understanding the unknown, giving you more confidence in the direction you choose take

The illusion of control

We are so desensitized to our great looming vulnerabilities that we don’t notice it anymore.

Death, sickness, love and our direct and extended environment (E.g. Politics, global warming, isolated, limited habitat we can survive in, etc), these should serve as a constant reminder of our inability to fully control our lives and the presence of forces out of our control.

Humility should be the foundation of a respectable approach to life.  We need to embrace the simple but overpowering truth of how little we as individuals and ultimately even mankind can control. From this knowledge we can find true humility, and then move forward and identify the areas where we can/should make a difference by taking dedicated ownership and responsibility for it (both as individuals and humanity) and fulfill our purpose of living.

Sadly people seem to spend more time concerning themselves with things out of their control, neglecting the areas that are within their influence sphere and missing out on the joy of creating, discovering and living to their full creativity and potential.

Let’s try to look past our difficulties, hardships and the injustices done to us. Once we change our focus back to the basics of life, ignoring the unnecessary complexities we added to life in our civilizations with complex social structures, rulings and values, we should grasp the beauty that lies within our existence as living sentient beings that can experience life not just live through it.

Societies do perform a vital role of managing the masses and without it there will be total anarchy, but we need find our own value of life and not measuring it through the eyes of others. Recognize it as a necessary evil but do not allow it to control your joy of life.

We should start experiencing life, move past pure existence. Open your eyes and notice our landscapes, observing the incredible living creatures, plants and very importantly, realize the value of the connections we have with others. Let us treasure these as our wealth and highlights of our short journey here, before the opportunity passes us by.